With terrorist scares and celestial meltdowns in the cards, it’s time to gear up for the most probable cause of end times: ZOMBIE UPRISING. Nestled in our indestructible concrete compound at the Punk.com headquarters, our chances of surviving are a smidge higher, not to mention the guns and ammunition we’ve stockpiled in a top secret section of the warehouse. We’re ready for the
resurrected reanimated …are YOU? Don’t procrastinate until it’s too late, because the living dead don’t wait. As a public service, we present this comprehensive checklist to help you protect your precious flesh and save those brains.
1. Emergency Outfit
It’s the last day on earth, so you better look badass. Should your enemy be of the male persuasion, it’s wise to divert his attention with feminine wiles. We recommend the awfully distracting Hell Bunny Zombie Dress, covered in a clash of bold patterns that hypnotize upon first glance.
To tread through the rubble of the post-apocalyptic terrain, try Palladium’s tough Tactical Boot. These killer kicks are solidly constructed, water resistant, and fit for a modern-day militia.
As survivors emerge from the debris and scattered remains of the doubly-dead, planning an aftermath celebration is the logical next step. Slip off those boots, ‘cause there ain’t no disaster on the dance floor. Instead, try the ironic Iron Fist Zombie Stomper Platforms and show off your stylish sense of humor. You know you’ve been waiting patiently in your bunker to break them out!
2. Emergency Kit:
A disaster-ready kit is ne cessary at all times in case of emergency. Do you know what to include?
Backpack: The Obey Uptown Mountain Backpack is styled like traditional army supply backpacks, and is deep and wide enough to store your supplies.
Belt (for strangulation): It is advised to remove the head of your attacker, but before you do, try the versatile Obey Everyday Web Belt for a quick cinch in a pinch.
First Aid Kit: For scrapes, bruises, claw marks, and the cleansing of undead excretions.
Flashlight: In case of power plant invasion and felled utility poles.
Radio: Stay tuned to the Emergency Alert System for further instructions.
Assorted tools: As weaponry, or to use for makeshift contraptions.
Ample Food & Water: Fuel of the living.
3. Plans and Preparations:
- Design an escape route from everywhere you think you might be when the zombies strike. This may be a challenge.
- Stock your basement. If you happen to live in an apartment complex, locate your local fallout shelters with the rusting radioactive signs.
- Attune your hearing to distant monotone moaning.
- Avoid historical burial grounds at all costs, as they are the resting place of war heroes with bayonet experience.
- Adjust your attitude. Become a warrior spirit. When the risen are tackling down your front door, your mother is not going to be there, and she probably couldn’t take them on anyway.
- Prepare wisely, prepare NOW. The marathon of sleepless nights you spent fixated on your first-person shooter game will not help you in a crisis. Get “real.”
We hope this helps you to get started as the end draws near, and in the post-apocalyptic wake, we’ll still be here.